I’m not massive thank you very much!

Picture the scene; around twenty likeminded self proclaimed psychic-mediums situated before their webcams and coming together in the name of learning.

Some of us were stick thin, bespectacled and would have intermittent attacks of visions or spirit messages or even divine apparitions. Some of us were Satan worshippers who never smiled the entire duration of the online course (9 weeks) and then some of us were relatively normal.

I’d booked myself on to “Enhance your psychic and mediumistic abilities with Maria” as I wanted to do exactly that!

Each session would begin with Maria leading us in a meditation in which we would have to envision roots sprouting deep down in to the earth from our feet (for grounding our energy and drawing up pure earth energy) and focus on feeling heavy. Then, she’d tell us to draw the energy up and through our bodies and out the crown before taking us on a guided meditation which required visualisation skills beyond my own.

At the end of this, every week, she’d go round to each square with a person in it and ask them to share their experiences.

It was bloody insane! These people had been meeting angels, dancing with their deceased ancestors, turning in to leopards and all sorts! I felt discouraged to admit every week that mine had, at best, resulted in me imagining some geese.

My hopes weren’t high following that and so I gulped when Maria pulled an oracle card for herself and once more went round to each of us to get our interpretations and how we felt (psychically) it connected to her.

Well it was some sort of female figure with what looked like fire around her. I said something along the lines of exactly that but I also then felt that, very literally, this card referred to a burn.

Bingo. I was fully spot on.

Next we partnered up and had to give each other psychic readings. Just stare at them and say what you felt for twenty minutes before getting feedback. I gulped again.

Incredibly, I and the other members were able to know things about each other with such intense detail that I just cannot explain it.

At one stage, when we were practising scrying, I told my partner (Wendy) that I was seeing a small child and people sitting in a car before walking in a park. This was precisely what she had been doing with her niece who had been looking after a younger sibling. In another, I told my partner I felt that she’d had an accident in her car involving a dog and, again sadly, true.

These are just a few examples. I’m conscious this may seem like arrogance or boasting but it’s possible for any and every one.

I did also have a couple of blooper moments. With this one girl, I couldn’t get ANYTHING! She was so hard to read. All I managed was that she’d had a bad bicycle accident years ago.

One incredible woman kept telling me about my future wife… and another told me I was a whale in a previous life. Excellent!

There are so many weird and wonderful groups to meet likeminded people out there and I can’t recommend it enough even if only for the hilarity that will ensue telling your friends afterwards.

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Four years ago, I made the choice to leave my rock and roll lifestyle in London and return home to sleepy Norfolk.

I appreciate that for many people out there the move from bustling London to the manure scented literal “ass hump” of the country might seem ill judged but hear me out. In London, I was consuming approximately 5 gin and tonics a day and zero fruits and veg. My blood was literally alcohol and coffee. My insides were a mix of pizza semen and cocaine.

It’s fair to say, life wasn’t going well for me there.

It really came to a crescendo one weekend. I’d just returned home from a “chill out” which is gay lingo for loads of drugs and promiscuous activities with shady men. Buzzing off my tits, I was bloody thrilled to see that my Grindr was popping off and I’d been invited to join a super hot couple in a hotel not 5 minutes from my flat. I ran there!

Upon arrival, it was looking like it would be an awesome time. There was a moment or two where I felt super fat looking in the mirror and inadequate but nothing some more drugs wouldn’t fix, right?

Following a lot of seedy sex, I was in the shower (not alone) and, feeling like a proper LAD, swaggered out and threw myself on to the bed allowing my head to throw back as I did.

I threw it back straight on to the obscenely sharp corner of the thick wooden headboard.

Immediately blood started gushing out of the back of my head and, in my high-as-a-kite state, I assumed I had a matter of minutes left and began panicking. Everyone else panicked. We all panicked. Panic! Someone began wrapping my head with surgical stockings and another read me my last rites.

An Uber was summoned and Long story short – they dumped me at A&E and I had my head stitched and glued.

Weirdly, whilst I was sat on the chair in the doctors room with my head face down on the surgical table having a slightly cross man crochet the back of my head, I thought I needed to make a change.

And so now I live here in the countryside where my chances of getting laid are few and far between, the career prospects are sparse and I have very few friends. And yet, I’m so much happier and calmer here. I love the green. I love all the birds. I love having to drive to get to the nearest shop.

For all it has to offer, a large city can be Russian roulette for a young impressionable lonely gay guy. The countryside however, is a total tonic!

Ok so my whole approach to writing this blog was to “speak my truth” as it were and so I should take the plunge and confess. I had a slightly odd side hustle at the start of this year…

Long story short – I needed some extra cash and a friend of mine was RAKING it in dressing as a woman for a rather seedy webcamming site. This combined two of my, at the time, favourite things; fancy dress and getting male attention. Sure, I’d have to appropriate transsexual culture and ultimately adopt an entirely different and new persona BUT some creepy old guy would be paying me a compliment and paying 30p a minute for the privilege.

If the above doesn’t direct you to thinking I maybe wasn’t living my best life then you should probably reflect on that.

And so I learnt that whilst the real male version of me gets barely any attention from men, the slightly bearded lady version of me is a certified hottie and dick magnet. I decide not to dwell too much on this!

This and so many other things I have been blessed to learn this year. What follows is, I hope, my whimsical way of looking at what could be pretty tragic life events. Yay optimism.

I’m a really really rubbish teacher

For the last 8 (?) years I’ve been single-handedly dashing the chances of success for the many many children who have been unlucky enough to enter my classroom. Their little faces so full of ambivalent nervousness on those first few days in September were so quickly transmuted into looks of horror as I flamboyantly pranced around the room and gave them all new names (shout out to Babs).

Did some of them think me truly excellent and “fun”? Sure. Did any of them learn anything? Absolutely not.

The truth is, I just don’t care.

Oh yay you can recognise the subordinate clause in a variety of sentences but you’re chronic social skills and inability to make and nurture friendships; we will just ignore that.

I can’t fully immerse myself in the role knowing that rather than actually really helping these children, the whole system is fuelling anxiety, separatism and completely detouring around the importance of being a kind person.

Is this true for all schools? No probably not but what is true is the fact that 99% of teachers are just the worst kinds of people imaginable. I won’t elaborate, just take my word for it ok?

Monologues about spiritual experiences are a quick way to never get a shag again.

I can’t tell you how many dates I’ve been on since my, self proclaimed, spiritual awakening. Oh. Actually I can – about two.

That’s beside the point, the thing I want you all to know is that no matter how interesting you found the time when, being your usual lazy self lounging on your bed, you suddenly noticed a hazy figure stood next to you who then proceeded to reach out, grab your hand and lead you around your house singing “You are my sunshine”.

Personally, that really really turns me on but as you’ll see, I’ve also learnt not everyone thinks like me.

Yes we are all the same – sure BUT the way some people think is wayward.

If you’re the kind of person who “falls out” with people and you’re not under 10 years old then I just don’t understand you.

In 2022, I had the great displeasure of meeting and somewhat befriending the most spiritually asleep man. He spent his entire life assuming people were scheming and plotting against him, blocked contacts on his phone every other day and when I told him I’d got a present for his birthday, but that it wasn’t too great so he shouldn’t be excited, replied “Well I am”. Believe me, this wasn’t supposed to be an attempt at humour, he just loved any opportunity to be even the slightest bit awkward and confrontational. We say a big fuck off to him. With loving kindness of-course.

When you start thinking that people are thinking the same as you and see the world in the same way, simply watch some kind of reality TV show. People are brilliantly different in so many ways.